I feel like the physical side is harder this go around than it was with Andrew. I am so run down all the time. It's not that I'm not sleeping well, but I'm just so exhausted. I know it's because I don't get the down time that I got when I was pregnant with the munchkin. Back then in the evenings I could veg on the couch after a rough day and get some extra rest. Not possible with a 2 year old running around yelling "Mommy! Mommy!" all the time.
He just. Doesn't. Stop.
I want to play with him - I do. But sometimes I don't. Sometimes I wish I could say "Go away, mommy is resting." But I don't. And wishing I could say that leads to the the emotionally hard part. I'm wishing I could have some time to myself when there is only one kid to keep up with. One kid who isn't as constantly needy as a newborn will be. And even now I don't have that time. Which means that in 3 or so months when there is a screaming crying newborn here I will have even less time (if that is even possible).
This has led to quite a few breakdowns over the last couple months. Saturday was one of those.
J was off riding his bike and sent me a text saying I could meet them at Jay's house to hang out at the pool. Which meant he expected me to get myself AND the munchkin ready and head out that way. Great. I had Andrew upstairs with me while I tried to find something to wear that didn't make me feel like a big fat cow. Andrew was whining and I was crying because everything made me feel like a big fat cow. I gave up and settled on something, then took him downstairs to get him ready, all the while swearing under my breath and cursing J. The whole time I was getting Andrew ready he was yelling and whining. I was trying to find shoes for him, and every pair I put on him he fussed and took them off. I was so frustrated I threw the shoes across the room, yelled "Fine! Then don't wear shoes!" and walked out of the room to finish packing up our stuff. Andrew of course had a shocked look on his face and started to cry. So did I. What is wrong with me? I just yelled at my two year old because he was fussing. I suck.
Seriously? I yelled at this sweet kid? Bring on the guilt...
I picked Andrew up and gave him a huge hug and apologized for getting upset. I got everything in the car and headed to Jay's. I had tears rolling down my cheeks for most of the 5 min drive. When I pulled up J came out to help. He saw how upset I was and told me he could have come home that we didn't have to come out there. I told him I just needed him to be in charge of Andrew for a little while, that it was a rough morning and that I'm having a very hard time because I look so fat. He sweetly said I am not fat, that I am pregnant and I look fine. While I sat with Andrew feeding him his hot dog lunch J went in and changed into his swim trunks. When he came back out he came over, gave me a big hug and a sweet kiss and told me it's ok. Then for the next hour he played with Andrew in the pool and kept him entertained so I could relax on a pool chaise and gather my thoughts.
The rest of the day was good. When we got home we put Andrew down for a nap and then J and I also lounged on the couch and napped. It was heavenly - except for the fact that I fell asleep with my contacts in and had to peel them off my eyes when I woke up.
The rest of the weekend was good and there was no more crying from me. I'm still an emotional mess, though, and it's starting to scare me. I didn't have any postpartum depression or anxiety with Andrew, but my mental and emotional state right now is making me worry for what's to come after this baby gets here. I guess on the plus side I am already aware of it so I'm hoping that I will recognize if there is an issue postpartum and can take the necessary steps to get help.
Yeah, pregnancy is hard.