This is Hard

Pregnancy.  It's not easy.  Physically... Emotionally...  Mentally...  It's tough.

I feel like the physical side is harder this go around than it was with Andrew.  I am so run down all the time.  It's not that I'm not sleeping well, but I'm just so exhausted.  I know it's because I don't get the down time that I got when I was pregnant with the munchkin.  Back then in the evenings I could veg on the couch after a rough day and get some extra rest.  Not possible with a 2 year old running around yelling "Mommy!  Mommy!" all the time.

He just. Doesn't. Stop.

I want to play with him - I do.  But sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I wish I could say "Go away, mommy is resting."  But I don't.  And wishing I could say that leads to the the emotionally hard part.  I'm wishing I could have some time to myself when there is only one kid to keep up with.  One kid who isn't as constantly needy as a newborn will be.  And even now I don't have that time.  Which means that in 3 or so months when there is a screaming crying newborn here I will have even less time (if that is even possible).

This has led to quite a few breakdowns over the last couple months.  Saturday was one of those.

J was off riding his bike and sent me a text saying I could meet them at Jay's house to hang out at the pool.  Which meant he expected me to get myself AND the munchkin ready and head out that way.  Great.  I had Andrew upstairs with me while I tried to find something to wear that didn't make me feel like a big fat cow.  Andrew was whining and I was crying because everything made me feel like a big fat cow.  I gave up and settled on something, then took him downstairs to get him ready, all the while swearing under my breath and cursing J.  The whole time I was getting Andrew ready he was yelling and whining.  I was trying to find shoes for him, and every pair I put on him he fussed and took them off.  I was so frustrated I threw the shoes across the room, yelled "Fine! Then don't wear shoes!" and walked out of the room to finish packing up our stuff.  Andrew of course had a shocked look on his face and started to cry.  So did I.  What is wrong with me? I just yelled at my two year old because he was fussing.  I suck.

Seriously? I yelled at this sweet kid?  Bring on the guilt...

I picked Andrew up and gave him a huge hug and apologized for getting upset.  I got everything in the car and headed to Jay's.  I had tears rolling down my cheeks for most of the 5 min drive.  When I pulled up J came out to help.  He saw how upset I was and told me he could have come home that we didn't have to come out there.  I told him I just needed him to be in charge of Andrew for a little while, that it was a rough morning and that I'm having a very hard time because I look so fat. He sweetly said I am not fat, that I am pregnant and I look fine.  While I sat with Andrew feeding him his hot dog lunch J went in and changed into his swim trunks.  When he came back out he came over, gave me a big hug and a sweet kiss and told me it's ok.  Then for the next hour he played with Andrew in the pool and kept him entertained so I could relax on a pool chaise and gather my thoughts.

The rest of the day was good.  When we got home we put Andrew down for a nap and then J and I also lounged on the couch and napped. It was heavenly - except for the fact that I fell asleep with my contacts in and had to peel them off my eyes when I woke up.

The rest of the weekend was good and there was no more crying from me.  I'm still an emotional mess, though, and it's starting to scare me.  I didn't have any postpartum depression or anxiety with Andrew, but my mental and emotional state right now is making me worry for what's to come after this baby gets here.  I guess on the plus side I am already aware of it so I'm hoping that I will recognize if there is an issue postpartum and can take the necessary steps to get help.

Yeah, pregnancy is hard.