Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Feeling Inadequate

Up until this past weekend I've felt like even though I am nowhere near perfect, that I've been doing a pretty darn good job at this mom thing.  Well, now I'm starting to wonder - am I?

In my heart I know I need to stop comparing myself to other moms and my child to other children. We're all different and we're going to do things our own way.  I know that and I need to accept that.  And I thought I had.

Then I had lunch with my sister.

The funny thing is that she's not even a mom.  She's a pediatrician, though, so I value her opinion and tips.  When I shared my excitement over the fact that Andrew is walking now she confessed that she was a little concerned that it took him so long. She pointed out that it's natural for first kids to be carried a lot and that can sometimes delay them walking.  I went from being excited to feeling defeated in about 0.025 seconds.  Then we were talking about his talking - or lack thereof - and I felt even worse. She asked if we are reading with him.  I told her that we are, but it's hard since all he wants to do it rips the book out of our hands and flip pages.  I point out what the pictures are, though, and he seems to like that.  I felt like I was talking to him a lot, but she mentioned that we need to not just tell him things, but to ask him questions.  That just giving him something when he points and makes noise isn't teaching him how to talk.

So yeah, I went from feeling like I am doing a pretty good job as a mom to feeling like I'm screwing everything up.  Like it's my fault that I took my kid to almost 17 months to walk because I carried him too much.  Like it's my fault that he only has a handful of words at 17 months because I don't talk to him the right way.  And of course I always feel like it's my fault that I can't get him to eat real food.

Just when I feel like we're doing great I get the wind taken out of my sails.  I know I'm not perfect, but am I really as inadequate as I am feeling right now?  I can only pray that Andrew doesn't think so...


20 comments:

  1. I know a little boy who rarely said anything until he was three. Now he doesn't no how to be quiet. If your pediatrician who knows Andrew and his history isn't concerned then you shouldn't be concerned. You are a great mom. Tell your sister to shove it.

    You only get to carry your little man for so long so I say live it up. One day he will be to big and that day will come all to soon.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I need to not worry about what she said and wait and see what his pedi says in a couple weeks. His doctor always says that he's doing awesome and that's what really matters.

      Delete
  2. You're doing amazing! Wait till your second...now that is a "take-along" baby. You are doing great. Don't let an "expert" get you down. Only YOU know your child! Savor these moments when he will sit on your lap and flip the pages and be held. It is gone too fast.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks hon! I know I need to stop second guessing myself and listening to other people, especially my jealous sister :/

      Delete
  3. Honestly, any talking is better than ignoring. And I hate to say it but I will, your sister is a bitch. Who the hell says that to someone???

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, she can definitely be a bitch. We had a great relationship up until Andrew was born (and named) so I normally overlooked it. It's my fault for asking her opinion on his development - I guess I just expected her to be nicer about it.

      Delete
  4. Oh please! Don't let her get you down. She might be a pediatrician but she's not a mom. Sometimes momma knows best. Who cares if you carry him. He is only little and carryable for so long. I carry Evie everywhere. She is fine and so is Andrew. He is happy healthy and very very loved. Ignore your sister's negativity!

    Oh and I think E gets most of her language from bathtime. Seriously it's the easiest time for us to ask questions, learn colors, learn body parts, learn letters etc.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We do a LOT of talking during bathtime, too. I keep working on colors, but right now he only cares about his duck and his crab. He definitely knows those so I am happy about that.

      Delete
    2. We are currently using bathtime to try and convince Evie that she has a nose. She knows what a nose is and how to locate it on my face or her Daddy's face, but refuses to believe she has one.

      Delete
  5. Your sister is still sore about his name, 'nough said. Leland had a friend that is a month older than him (Andrew's age) and he just started walking. And Leland still doesn't talk. It seems that Andrew talks a fair amount for his age. I also don't see how you carry him all day, you do have a full time job. Again I think she is just being mean and knows what will get to you (or any other mom).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I hate how strained our relationship is now and really thought she would be past the whole name thing by now. I'm trying to ignore her comments and will wait for Andrew's 18 month appt in less than three weeks with his actual pedi to see what he says.

      Delete
  6. Aaaww, this made me so sad. Of course you are doing a good job! I don't know why everyone worries so much about time constraints. They all do it in their own timing. I had such pressure to stop nursing because the norm is not past a year...my son is 26 mos and we are just starting to wean. Should I feel bad because I cherished it longer? I say no, because what works for some moms or families doesn't for others. SO if you do things different do not fret. Kids are bright...they get it all eventually. I think trying to teach things is good...but it comes. Try Little Einsteins. It helps with language. And walking, he will be a pro in no time. I love the books that you can get at Costco. They are "find and look" books..more interactive than just reading. And there are so many ways to teach kids, there isn't just one "in the box" way...Cheer up, you love him more than anybody, so you ARE doing a GREAT job there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! And you definitely should not feel bad for nursing your son as long as you have. That's an amazing accomplishment and you should be proud!

      I need to look into getting some interactive books like you mentioned. Right now we mostly have board books and he loves looking at the pictures, but I want him to have more to do as well.

      Delete
  7. Ugh, your sister pisses me off. She's still mad about his name or is just jealous or something. It doesn't make any sense. You're a great mom! I follow your blog because my daughter is similar in age to Andrew and it's fun to see what he's up to. This blog is just a window into your world and I don't really know you in real life, but we've seen so many posts with videos of him exploring and playing and doing fun things. That's what you should be encouraging him to do and you obviously are. And you obviously spend tons of quality time with him. Take a look back through your posts and you'll see a mom who cares deeply about her son. You haven't done anything wrong. Some kids just talk later or walk later. I guarantee you by Kindergarten (or probably sooner) they'll all be at the same place. It has no bearing on their intelligence level. It's just the order they decide to do things in. I can't imagine how difficult it must be to hear your own sister try to place blame on you for these types of things, but I wish you peace in your ability to block her out. I know we all have moments of feeling inadequate in parenting (I know I do, too!) but it shouldn't ever be caused by your own family. That just really blows.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you so much for this. I know we don't know each other in real life, but it means a lot for someone to tell me they can see how much I love him and and how well he's doing. It would be nice if that could come from my own family, but it still means a lot for me to hear it from others. Thank you :)

      Delete
  8. I never saw this and my heart goes out to you :( that's hard to feel so judged by your own sister.

    Like others said, she just a doctor, not a mom. She sees hundreds of kids all the time and can't help but compare andrew. He may have walked later that other babies but he's walking and doing a darn good job of it! My good friend's daughter is 4 days older than Andrew and also just started walking. It seems pretty common but has some stigma because it's "too late". Every child is so different yet our society tries to cram each of them into a cookie cutter and then tells the parent it's their fault when their child doesn't fit. Makes me sick.

    Boys are also just slower to develop. Liam also isn't a huge talker - he does have a few words that he says a lot, but his vocabulary is slow to increase. I'm not worried in the slightest and neither should you. You're doing a fabulous job. Don't let some phd bitch get you down. You are the expert on your own child and you know what's best. You know he's healthy, happy, and thriving. Soon enough, he'll be talking so much, you'll be wishing for these days back :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. eek, needed to proof read that one ;)

      Delete
    2. Thanks mama! I will say that she did mention that boys can be slower with talking and are more motor inclined compared to girls. Also she sent me a text later telling me that I'm doing an awesome job and that he's a great kid, so I guess she thought about what she had said and felt bad.

      He doesn't talk with words a lot, but he's super chatty with his own little language so I can only imagine the non-stop talking once he actually learns words!

      Delete
  9. Ew. I agree with everyone. I think your sister may be getting in some unfair jabs due to the strain she's put on your relationship. I know it had to hurt to hear and I would have felt the same way you did, but you are a fantastic mom and you are doing a great job with Andrew. There isn't a woman on earth who would be a better mom to your kid, or 'get' him to do things earlier than he's ready to do them.

    ReplyDelete
  10. I find that other people mean well and sometimes don't think about how moms would feel. A non-mom friend of mine asked if I sleep with my son. I don't. She then asked if I worry about I'm at night. I say nah.... He falls asleep on his own. She then said that her friend lost her vmbaby to SIDS a year ago. I said, oh yeah, that's my nightmare. She proceeded to tell me more, and I repeated myself about the nightmare. Clueless!

    ReplyDelete