A better day

Yesterday was rough.  Exhaustion has taken a toll and I felt like a zombie.  I'd been a little emotional (ok a lot emotional) and felt over my head.  Some friends brought us some dinner, a huge bag of clothes for little dude, and a bag of little books for him.  I was so grateful for everything - especially the food since my brain wasn't functional enough to think about dinner.

After dinner I was on the bump reading posts and I commented to J that apparently I am the only mommy who doesn't have her baby sleeping in the crib yet and that I feel like I am screwing up as a mom.  He told me that I need to stay off of the message boards and not to worry about what everyone else is doing. We are doing just fine, our baby is happy and healthy, and we shouldn't compare ourselves to others. 

Andrew was snoozing propped up in his boppy pillow (I know they tell you not to do that, but he was so swaddled he couldn't move and he loves that thing) and J came over on the couch next to me and we cuddled for a while.  He was able to calm me down and I felt a lot better.

We gave Andrew a bath:

Now he's actually starting to like the tub and didn't make a peep the whole time. We got him all snuggled in his jammies, then I fed him til he passed out and we got him ready for bed.  We put him in the bassinet and I kept my fingers crossed that he would actually sleep in it.

We went to bed at 10:30 and I could not fall asleep. This time it wasn't Andrew - it was my own mind that I could not shut off.  I got up with him at 12:30 and got him back down at 1:00. When he fussed a little J got up and checked him and settled him down.  At 3:30 he was up and after a short nursing session he was back down at 4:00. Up again at 6:30 and back down at 7:00.  All in all a little bit better of a night.

We got out of bed this morning around 10:00 and came downstairs.  J made a surprise stop home after his meeting downtown to get in a little baby time.  He got the first real smile out of Andrew and I seriously thought my heart might burst.  Seeing the look of pure joy on both of their faces made me the happiest person in the world.

First we had a little tummy time

and then we headed out for a walk. He did awesome and slept the whole time (after a successful diaper change in the car). I walked the bridge with him then we came home. He started fussing as I pulled into the neighborhood so I got him in the house, changed him, and let him eat.  I plopped him in the swing so I could shower and since he fell asleep in it I decided to try to get a nap in.  After about 15 minutes I heard him stirring, so I picked him up and cuddled him in bed with me and we rested for 2 hours.  Part of that time was spent with me just staring at his sweet face and smelling the sweet baby smell of his head.  I was in tears again, but this time due to sheer happiness.

Once he woke up we came downstairs and he was nursing when J got home from work.  And now my two favorite guys are taking a little snooze together on the couch as I sit here and write this. I can't help but smile as I watch them - I love them both so much.

Epic meltdown

And I'm not talking about the baby...

This morning at 5:30 I pretty much lost it. Sobbing uncontrollably and basically losing my mind. One night of poor sleep sucks, but 5 weeks straight of it is putting me over the edge.  I knew that taking care of a newborn would be tough, but I really don't think I was prepared for just how hard it would be.

Last night he started nursing at 10:55 PM and I didn't get him down until midnight.  I was hoping that meant I wouldn't be back up until 3:30 or so.  Nope. At 2:30 he was wailing.  Luckily he ate fast that time and I was back in bed a little after 3:00.  But then at 4:30 he was wailing again.  He'd had an epic diaper blowout so I understood why he was yelling. Poo all up his back that went through his gown and blanket.  I changed him and let him nurse, but when I went to put him back down he started crying again.  He wasn't dirty, he wasn't hungry, he just wasn't happy.  I finally got him down at 5:30 and when I got back in bed he started fussing again.

That's when I lost it.  J rolled over when he heard me crying and tried to comfort me, but I was kind of inconsolable.  The exhaustion is getting to me.  And I don't understand how my office would expect me to be ready to come back to work after 6 weeks.  It will be 5 weeks this Saturday and he is nowhere near sleeping through the night. Or even in long chunks.  And I am not functional.

To top it off, I was so tired, frustrated, and upset that I yelled at Andrew.  And half a second later I felt like the worst mom in the world.  I love my baby more than anything and I would never ever do anything to harm him, but I'm just so tired.

J got up and soothed him at 5:30 after my meltdown and I actually got to sleep until 8:30, when he was wailing again. I fed him and we snuggled in bed for a while.  We came downstairs and had some tummy time:

After that I decided that we needed some fresh air and rather than dealing with the stroller I figured we could try out the sling:

We walked for an hour and I felt a little better.  Some fresh air and sunshine did wonders.  When we got home I showered, fed him, pumped a little, and now he is napping in his swing and I am about to lay down to get a little nap in myself. Hopefully I can sleep for an hour before he wakes up.  Mommy needs some rest.

Holy crap!

No, not in reference to Andrew's bowel movements (although those are quite frequent and impressive).  This is in reference to the bit of information that we found out the other day.

I've been trying to get in touch with the woman who is supposed to be watching Andrew once I go back to work. I hadn't talked to her since December (I'd been a little preoccupied). I sent her an email to announce his arrival and sent her a picture. I never heard anything back. I texted her and tried calling her, but I got a message that the number was out of service.  I even found her on facebook and sent her a message there.  No response.

I was pissed figuring that she was avoiding me and we were getting screwed over.  J was planning on going by her house to demand our deposit back if she wasn't going to watch our kid.

So Monday night we were outside talking with one of our neighbors and showing her the baby. She asked if I was going to be off for a while.  I said I'd be working from home for a little while once my maternity leave is up and that we had daycare lined up and it seems to have fallen through.  She asked who we were going to use and when I said 'Natalie' she said "Yeah, that's so sad;".  She noticed the confused look on our faces and dropped the bomb.  She freaking died!!! What the hell?!?

She was only 32 years old and there is specualtion that she either died from some intestinal issue she was having, or it was drugs.  WHAT???   We'd met with her and her husband, spent a couple hours talking to them, I went and met her when she had kids there, and they seemed like a nice Christian couple.  Apparently not.

I hate to say it, but this was sort of a blessing in disguise.  If it really was due to drugs then there is no way in hell I want that around my baby.

Now we are searching again. Luckily the neighbor that dropped the bomb knows everyone and she has some numbers of people to give to me. And she knows who to warn us about and who not to use.  I will definitely be asking her lots of questions.

Ugh - times like this I wish I could just be a stay at home mom and not have to deal with this...

One Month

One month ago right this minute I was about to push our little man into the world. How is that possible? How has he already been here for a whole month??

It's all going way too fast. I already see how he's changing and growing. It's crazy how much. Part of me wants him to stay this little and cute forever. Then again, the more he grows the better he will sleep at night (hopefully).

As I sit here looking down at him while he's nursing and gazing up at me my heart just melts. Even with how tired I am. Love this guy!

Happy Easter!

Today is Andrew's first Easter. Not that he knows what is going on, but we got him some Easter goodies.  The bunny on the left is the one we bought for him. The one he's cuddling up to is the one my mom brought for him.

He doesn't hate the bunny - I just thought this picture was funny since it looks like he is telling me "Quit taking pictures and get me out of here!".  I love his facial expressions  :)

My mom came down yesterday to see Andrew. She said she wants to see him at least once a month - whether I go up there or she comes down here. She got here around noon and we watched the hockey game with my little sweet.

He was cheering for our team, but the Pens royally sucked and got the doors blown off (8-2). Hopefully they have a better showing for tomorrow's game.

J went to the wedding that we had been invited to before and made the appearance for both of us.  Since he was out my mom and I decided to take the little man out to dinner.  I had to put him in a new outfit:

It is hysterical when he has pants on since he doesn't have a waist and they go up to his armpits. He looks like a little old man. I could not stop laughing.

He did great at dinner and slept the entire time. It pays to fill him with milk before leaving the house.

We introduced the bottle for the first time last night, too. We got 4 oz in him before bed in the hopes that he would sleep a long time.  He slept for about 4 hours, but after that he was up every 2 hours.  Ugh.

Today he has been a total fuss butt.  It might have something to do with his actual butt which looks a little red and raw. We've been using the butt paste in the hopes that it will heal up soon.  He's been eating like there is no tomorrow and fussing like crazy.  Thankfully J got him settled down on his chest for a nap - which they are doing right now:

Hopefully this fussiness does not carry over into tonight because mommy is tired and I need some sleep. We'll be filling him with another 4 oz bottle before bed and seeing what that does.  Wish us luck!

Bad Day - Good Night

I have to say, yesterday was rough.  Andrew was super fussy, constantly hungry, and going through diapers like they are going out of style.  Add in the fact that I was really tired and it was the prime scenario for a total meltdown...

The day started out ok.  He slept pretty well the night before, but I had trouble getting to sleep after getting up to feed him, so I was tired.  I thought getting out to get some exercise would give me some energy, so I put the head support thing in the jogging stroller so we could go for a walk.  Unfortunately it took almost 3 more hours to get out the door because he would not stop fussing and wanting to eat.  I felt like I couldn't get him off my boob.  And as fast as it went in it seemed to be coming out. I lost track of the number of diapers he went through.

Finally at 3:45 we got out for a walk.  We took a little tour of the Old Village and walked to Alhambra Hall where J and I got married almost 2 years ago.  Figured Andrew should see where mommy and daddy got hitched.  He of course slept through it all.

We got back home at 4:30 and I plopped him in the swing so I could shower.  I figured then we could nap together since I was seriously dragging.  No such luck.

As soon as I laid down on the couch Andrew decided to start his fussy and hungry thing from earlier in the day.  He wouldn't settle - or stop going through diapers at a record pace.  I was at my wits end and found myself getting so frustrated with him. That led to me feeling guilty about being frustrated with him, which made me even more upset.

By the time J got home I was in tears.  He promptly took over with Andrew so I could go lay down for a little bit. I never did fall asleep, but I was able to rest and clear my head for a bit.

After dinner we gave Andrew a bath and he slept for a while.  I fed him for the last time before bed at 10:30, put him down at 11:00, and he didn't get me back up until 3:00.  A four hour stretch - woo hoo!  I had him back down at 3:45 and he didn't get me up again until 7:30. 

So I guess I should be happy that he does his cluster feeding and fussiness during daylight hours instead of overnight.  And today he is being great and napping so I can get some stuff done around the house.  So he is back to his sweet self and I am back to being sane.  Life is good.

This week with Andrew

This has been our first week on our own and I think we are adjusting just fine.  We've been blessed with a pretty easy going baby (knock on wood) and so far we are having a ball together.

Saturday night we did our first bath in the tub.  He wasn't exactly a fan. 

This was right after he peed all over the wall in the nursery when J was changing his diaper.  So far I've been lucky and he hasn't done that to me. I couldn't stop laughing when I walked in and saw it.  J wasn't as amused. Might be time to get a pee-pee tee-pee! After the bath he fell asleep on J's chest:

On Monday my oldest sister finally got to meet Andrew. She is a teacher and on spring break so she made a day trip down from Myrtle beach to see her nephew.  We hung out for 4 hours or so and she gave me all kinds of new mom advice (she's the mom to my two nieces - 1 and 3 years old).  After she left Andrew and I did some running around then we napped together.

Yesterday we got out and walked the bridge. It felt sooooo good to get out and get some exercise.  Pushing the stroller up the hill wasn't easy, but I figure it was a good workout. And he slept through the entire thing. 

Then we ran to BiLo and came home and hung out.

Today so far we are just hanging around the house, but I am trying to figure out if I can put him in the jogging stroller and take him for a walk.  He hung out with me as I got ready for the day:

At the moment he is just lounging on the couch next to me hiccuping. The sound of it cracks me up. Actually, almost everything about him cracks me up.  He is my funny little man and I love him so much.

Overeaters Anonymous

No, not me. My little man. I feel like I have spent this entire day with him attached to my boob. He hit 3 weeks yesterday and everything I've read has said that babies hit a growth spurt right about now. I believe it!

J is outside doing some yardwork and every time he comes in the house Andrew is eating. His reaction every time is "He's eating again?!" I feel like a milk machine.

I'm trying to get some house work done because this place is a mess and it's starting to get to me. I can work in 30 or 45 minute spurts and then he is squawking for his next snack. Less than a week and we can introduce the bottle. Thank god.

Oh, and last night wasn't as bad as I feared. I didn't get deep sleep since I was listening for him, but I did get 2 1/2 hour stretches of sleep. And J got up at 8:00 and took him downstairs and let me sleep for a few more hours. Tomorrow is a little scarier - first day when it will just be me and Andrew. Yikes!

On our own

It's official - we are now on our own with our little man. Not sure why, but that scares me a little.

See, we got home from the hospital on a Monday and my mom got here that afternoon. She stuck around until Wednesday evening and then she headed home. I was in tears as she left - partly due to hormones, but also out of fear.

J's mom got here the next afternoon and has been here the past two weeks. She was a gigantic help, especially at night or when I really needed a nap. She would watch Andrew and keep him calm, unless he needed to eat and then she would wake me up. It enabled me to sleep for 2 or 3 hour stretches at night so I was a little less of a zombie.

Now it's just us. And I'm scared.

It's possible I'll actually get a little more sleep at night since I'll be feeding him on demand instead of setting my alarm for every three hours. Then again, I will be so hyper aware of any noise that he makes that I might not sleep at all.  He's having another one of his super hungry days where he is wanting to eat every hour or so. That might not bode well for a restful night.

I guess we'll see what happens tonight...

Hopefully he is this sweet and sleepy tonight

Yay for weight gain!

Yeah, that isn't something I would normally say, but it's not my gain. Today was Andrew's third doctor's appointment. He's had so many already because of concern about his weight.

At birth he was 7 lbs 5 oz. When he left the hospital he had dropped to 6 lbs 13 oz. At his first peds appointment at five days old he'd only gained one ounce so they had me bring him back the next week. By that appointment (12 days old) he was only up another two ounces (7 lbs even) so he was still below his birth weight.

So they had me bring him back again at 19 days old to check his progress. All week I'd been worried that he isn't getting enough to eat. I've been pumping after nursing trying to boost my supply and finger feeding him to supplement and get more milk in him. I was upset thinking I'm starving my sweet baby.

All the hard work paid off. Today when I put him on their scale I was thrilled to see that he's up to 7 lbs 9 oz. That's a 9 ounce gain in one week. Yay! My little man has been really hungry the past few days and the results are showing. So proud of him :)

Napping with daddy

Over the past two weeks it's become apparent that one of Andrew's favorite places to take a little snooze is on J's chest.  I'm sure the warmth and being able to hear his heartbeat has something to do with it. But I think he just loves to be close to daddy.

He gets this completely content look on his face as he lays there.  And his little squeaky noises make us both laugh.

Here are some of the pictures of him in his favorite napping spot:

He is so relaxed and limp. It makes me laugh when his mouth is hanging open like that.  So content.

Another limp and content look

I think they were both napping here

Lounging on the chaise

Last night before his last feeding before bed

Yup - Andrew loves his daddy  :)

Welcome to 1861

This morning as I was sitting here feeding Andrew I was greeted by a booming sound.  Over and over again.

That's what happens when you live in the city where the Civil War started and it's the 150th anniversary of the start.  I think they were going to start firing the cannons at 4:00 AM (the time that the actual first shots were fired) but they delayed until 6:45.  I guess they didn't want to piss off a bunch of people who were trying to sleep.

There have been Civil War re-enactors all around for the last few days.  We live relatively close to Fort Moultrie and aren't far from the harbor where Fort Sumter is, so we are smack dab in the middle of all the festivities.  It's actually kind of cool.  I love living in such a historic city.  I just wish I had a little more energy to go out and see some of the events that are going on.  Instead I will sit here with my sweet baby and listen to the cannons firing.

I love when he starts smiling in his sleep   :)

My model baby

When we were still in the hospital a photographer came around and took some pictures. It's a service they offer at the hospital. No charge to get the pictures taken, and if you want to buy the pictures you can.  She took the pictures and gave me the info on how to go online and look at them.

When we got home from the hospital I immediately got online to look at them.  I could not believe how cute they were and couldn't resist buying the disk with all of them on it. This way we can print out whatever ones we want and I can use some of them to make the birth announcements.

Here are some of my favorites:

I love his little grin

He looks so serious here

My sweet baby

Could this kid be any cuter??

Such long little toes

I could stare at his little face all day...

Happiness is...

...lounging on the chaise with a sleeping baby on my chest.

...a content sigh after a great feeding.

...watching his facial expressions as he naps.

...the sweet smell of a clean baby.

...looking at his face and knowing that he is forever part of me.

...watching my husband's excitement about his new role of 'daddy'.

...listening to my little guy's sweet sleepy noises.

These past 10 days have completely changed my life. I knew having a baby was a huge life event, but I had no idea how much I could love this little person. Life will never be the same, and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Lessons from my first week as a new mom

Here are a few things I learned in my first week taking care of little dude (that's what my dad calls him):

• Footed pajamas on a newborn are an exercise in futility.  Trying to snap or zip his little kicking legs and feet in is next to impossible.  He'd  much rather keep them crunched up inside the body of any sleeper we put him in. Gowns have been a godsend.
• Diaper changes are cause for an epic meltdown.  This kid does not like to be naked!  You would think we were torturing him when we take his diaper off. And it's like a switch - as soon as his little legs are covered back up he settles down immediately
• You must aim the weenis down.  If not he will be peeing up the front of the diaper and all over whoever is lucky enough to be holding him at the time.  I got a nice warm, wet surprise during a feeding yesterday. Could not believe how much he peed at one time!
• Being naked = a chance for a mess.  After his little sponge bath I had him wrapped in his towel to calm him down and warm him up.  I should've known that content look on his face meant something.  Yep - peed all over the towel.  Must keep a diaper on this kid!

The look on his face right before he peed in the towel
• Breastfeeding is a lesson in patience.  I know it is the very best thing for him and I am definitely not throwing in the towel, but man can it be frustrating.  Once he latches on and gets going he's great, but there can be 10-15 minutes of trying to get him to do that when I almost wish I could just give him a bottle.  Especially at 3:00 AM.
• If someone offers you help - take it!  My mom was here the first couple days and told me to get her up if I needed help at night. I felt bad waking her, so I ended up being up most of the night with Andrew.  Now J's mom is here helping and offered to keep him during the night so I can sleep. I still get up every three hours to feed him, but at least I can get 3 or 4 two hour chunks of sleep in a row so I'm not a zombie.  I know when she leaves it'll be all me, but I'll take the help while it's here.
• He doesn't know any better.  The first couple days I was terrified. And hormonal.  Multiple times I burst into tears - partially because I am so scared that I am going to do something wrong.  My mom said it best - "He won't remember any of this.  If you screw up, he won't know any better. As long as he is warm, dry, and full he will be happy."  So I might not do everything exactly right, but we'll learn together along the way.

So content after a feeding
• The love for your baby is like nothing else in the world.  No matter if he's screaming at 2:00 AM, refusing to eat at 3:00 AM, or peeing on me at noon, my heart absolutely bursts with love every time I look at him.  I never knew I could love someone so fiercely and I'm actually tearing up typing this as I look across the room at him snoozing in his swing.  I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I will be thankful every single day that I have him.

I love this little person more than anything in the world!



What's in a name?

Well, apparently if you're Andrew the answer is 'lots of drama'.

Back in December, right after we found out we were having a boy, my sister asked if we had any ideas for names. I told her the four I liked: Andrew, Evan, Owen, and Wesley. Right away she said "Please don't name him Andrew.". When I asked why she said because she had dated a guy named Andrew. I was thinking "If we cross off the name of every guy she ever dated then we won't have any names left." (she's dated a lot - 37 and still single). Then it hit me - she's talking about Andy - this total douche she was engaged to 7 years ago. The douche that cheated on her twice that I know of. I didn't make the connection because he was never referred to as Andrew - always Andy. And I don't like the nickname Andy and have no intention of ever calling our baby that.

Well, unfortunately J and I already really loved the name Andrew Joseph. It remained on the list, but I did keep researching names trying to find something we loved more.

Fast forward to last Saturday when our little man made his debut. My parents came to the hospital and we talked names. When I said what name we loved and expressed my concern that Nic would be upset, they both said "It's your baby - you name him what you want.".  And "She'll get over it.".

Of course she was texting me and asked what the name was. I said it was still to be determined - we hadn't filled out any paperwork yet.  J and I went through the list that we had and narrowed it down to Nathan and Andrew.  In my heart I had been calling him Andrew for months so I just couldn't let the name go.

Monday morning when we were waiting to be discharged she texted me again about the name.  I asked if she would be really upset if we named him Andrew Joseph.  Her first response was "It's a great name".  Then a few seconds later "I won't lie, it does make me a little sad still. I know I need to get over it."

I asked if it would make her not want to see him. She said "Don't be ridiculous.  But I won't lie, it would hurt my feelings. Only because I have been absolutely devastated by someone with that name to the point where it has seemed to have ruined my ability to love or trust anyone since.  I know I need to get over it. It's just a name.  But as I sob and try to text this I can't help but wish you would go with Nathan.".

She then had me in tears. J walked out of the bathroom (he had just showered) and I was sitting there sobbing.  He was upset that she was upsetting me like that.  She called me right then and we talked a little - both crying.  J and I filled out the paperwork and we headed home from the hospital.

I called her that evening and invited her over to see the baby.  She came over for two hours but it was weird. And she barely spoke to my mom while she was here.

Wednesday evening I get an email from her. A complete tirade.  At least six paragraphs long saying how she can't believe I would pick that name even after she asked me not to. And how she is mad at my parents for not sticking up for her and telling me I shouldn't do that to her. And after all she has done for all of us lately (Super Bowl trip, my parents anniversary party, throwing my baby shower) that she figured she deserved better. That she's supposed to be my best friend and I did this to her.  That she isn't at my side helping out like she thought she would be because she is so upset and can't be around me. That she loves my baby, but hates his name and needs some time.

I was shocked. I didn't even know how to respond. I emailed my mom and told her that someone should seriously suggest that she needs to seek some therapy. Especially if she is still so obsessed over this crappy relationship that ended over six years ago.

At 5:00 AM while I was up feeding Andrew I did respond to her.  I did suggest that she talk to someone professionally (in a nice way) and said that there was no conspiracy in naming our child. I didn't do it to hurt her. I said that I knew she might not like it, but never in a million years did I think she would have the kind of irrational response she is having now.  I said we both loved the name and even though I looked for other names there were none that we loved as much. That naming our child had nothing to do with her.

The more I thought about it the more pissed off I became about it all. Here I was, a brand new struggling first time mom 5 days post partum and she is attacking me. I was already a huge ball of emotions who had burst into tears multiple times for no reason. She's a doctor - she knows better than to do that.

She responded to my email the next day and I haven't even read it yet. I don't have the emotional or mental capacity to deal with it.  My mom had been copied on the emails from my sister (I didn't realize that) and my mom said that it basically said that she is still upset but she knows she has to get over it.

And when J saw how upset I was that night he sent my mom a message.  He is so mad at my sister for the way she is acting. He told me if I get another email from my sister to not tell him because he was pissed. 

I haven't heard from her since. except when she emailed to check and see if I have any pediatric questions.

More than anything I am mad at her for taking what should be the happiest time in my life and placing a black cloud over it.  I am so sick and tired of having to walk on eggshells around her and tempering my happiness because she is not happy with her life. It's not my fault that she is still single and doesn't have a family of her own.  I have tried introducing her to people and tried to get her out.  I don't know why she can't find someone. I want more than anything for her to find happiness, but I will now have a hard time forgiving her for ruining mine.

So that is the drama that happened right after I had Andrew.  I fear this may have caused a permanent rift in our relationship and that breaks my heart.  I just never thought that she would have such a reaction to a name. Everyone else thinks it's insane.  So now I don't know what to do...

When I get too sad about it I just look at this, sleeping next to me on the couch,  and it puts a smile on my face:

It's crazy to think...

That a week ago he was still in my belly and I looked like this:

This was my last bump pic taken on 3/23 - 3 days before Andrew's unexpected arrival.

Now, 6 days after his arrival I look like this:

I weighed myself this morning and am already down to just 12 lbs up from my pre-pregnancy weight.  Part of it might be due to being so tired that I forget to eat (which I know is not good - I need to eat healthy for him).  Part of it might be that my muscles are going away since I haven't worked out in a week.  Of course 7 1/2 lbs of the weight was him, plus the placenta, fluids, blood, and whatever else.  Just seems crazy that 20 lbs is gone after a week.

I will say that it IS nice to be fitting into normal clothes.  I will be packing up those maternity clothes in no time!

And - because he is so freaking cute - here are some more pictures of Andrew...

Laying on the quilt that my aunt Lynne made for him

Lounging after a feeding

Sleeping in daddy's lap. His fuzzy head cracks me up  :)

Andrew and daddy on the floor in the nursery

Hanging out with grandma.  My mom was here for 3 days to help out after we got home from the hospital. Even though initially I said I wanted it to be just me and J for a few days I am SO grateful that she was here!

I'll update tomorrow with the whole name drama saga.  I'm still pretty pissed about it so I don't want to think about it right now.