Monday, December 2, 2013

Why Did I Think This Would Be Easier?

Here it is - the day I've been dreading since August 24th when Elliot came screaming into this world.  The day that I've cried about more times than I can count.  My first day of leaving Elliot at daycare and me heading back to the office.

I did really well all day yesterday and didn't cry until I was giving Elliot his bath last night. We were so busy with decorating the tree and house that I didn't have time to dwell on the fact that I had to go back to work.  I had a bit of a nervous breakdown yesterday afternoon when Elliot seemed to be going on a bottle strike while I was out doing some shopping and wasn't home to nurse him.  J tried three different bottles with no luck (Dr. Browns, Avent and the Tommee Tippee bottle that he normally has no problem with.  When I got home I tried giving him that bottle and he still wouldn't drink it so I nursed him. I was having major anxiety thinking about him refusing bottles at daycare and crying inconsolably because he was hungry.   Last night before bed I did get him to drink a bottle by positioning him like he was going to nurse and then sneaking the bottle in there so I hoped that meant that he would be ok today.

Last night I got everything gathered up: diapers, diaper cream, gas drops, bibs, burp cloths, extra clothes and the insulated bag for Elliot's milk, all of Andrew's clothes for today (Monday is pajama day - they wear their pajamas and get dressed there so they can learn to dress themselves) and his pull-ups, I packed my lunch, took my laptop and extra monitor that I had brought home down to the car and picked out my outfit for today.  I was all set and went upstairs to unwind for bed at 9:15.  I set my alarm for 5:45 and turned out the light at 9:45 after reading for a while - all ready to go to sleep.

Only I didn't.

I laid awake ALL NIGHT.  I'm a notoriously crappy sleeper, but this was ridiculous.  I just kept looking at the clock and waiting for Elliot to wake up. At 3:45 I heard him fuss so I went down and fed him. Normally I'm groggy at this feeding, but I was wide awake for some reason. I got him back down a little after 4:00 and went and crawled back in bed, laying there until giving up and going to start getting ready at 5:30.

The benefit of being up and about that early was that we were out the door at 7:32 (after I changed clothes thanks to Elliot peeing on me).  We got to daycare and I amazingly hadn't shed a tear yet. Then I got Elliot out of his car seat, looked at his sweet face, and promptly burst into tears.

Why did I think this wouldn't happen this time?

I gave both my little munchkins tons of kisses, told them I love them and that I would see them this afternoon, and left before I started sobbing.

Halfway to the office I stopped crying and composed myself before pulling into the parking lot.  I was early so I was able to lug all my crap up to my office in two trips with no audience. When I got here and checked my email I had a message from my manager letting me know that he had an office for me downstairs.  I knew my office mate, Karen, would be sad since she had been so excited that I was coming back today, but it's only temporary and it's just easier for me to have a private office where I can pump while I work, instead of sitting in an empty room pumping for 30 mins.  Moving offices distracted me this morning and before I knew it the day was half over.  After I ate lunch I ran to Target to pick up a hands free nursing bustier thing so I can sit here and pump and type at the same time (like I am now!).  Besides the sheer exhaustion I was feeling pretty good - and then I got a text from Andrea:

"Elliot hasn't pooped today yet and has only drank about 5 1/2 oz all day. Is this normal for him? He is having a hard time with these bottles."

The not pooping didn't concern me - he's been going every other day or so and he blew out some diapers yesterday.  The only eating 5 1/2 oz by 2:00 PM and struggling with the bottles is upsetting.  She said he cries like he's hungry and then fights the bottle. He'll eat a little and is fine for 2-2 1/2 hours.  She said he'll eat about 1 1/2 ounces at a time, but that's it.

He's used to nursing on demand during the day and in all honesty I have no idea how much he would eat at each nursing session.  It's possible that he's used to just snacking during the day, but I really feel like he should be eating more.

I'm really hoping it's just that it's a big change and he is adjusting and once he settles in there he will go back to eating like normal.  Right now, even though I am completely exhausted, all I can think about is my poor little guy being distraught.  It's not helping my mommy guilt at all.

The one bright spot is the fact that she has sent me a couple pictures and he seems to be doing ok:

Now I just need to get through the next 90 mins and I can run over there and get both my munchkins.

Ugh. Why did I think this would be any easier this time around???

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