And I'm not talking about the baby...
This morning at 5:30 I pretty much lost it. Sobbing uncontrollably and basically losing my mind. One night of poor sleep sucks, but 5 weeks straight of it is putting me over the edge. I knew that taking care of a newborn would be tough, but I really don't think I was prepared for just how hard it would be.
Last night he started nursing at 10:55 PM and I didn't get him down until midnight. I was hoping that meant I wouldn't be back up until 3:30 or so. Nope. At 2:30 he was wailing. Luckily he ate fast that time and I was back in bed a little after 3:00. But then at 4:30 he was wailing again. He'd had an epic diaper blowout so I understood why he was yelling. Poo all up his back that went through his gown and blanket. I changed him and let him nurse, but when I went to put him back down he started crying again. He wasn't dirty, he wasn't hungry, he just wasn't happy. I finally got him down at 5:30 and when I got back in bed he started fussing again.
That's when I lost it. J rolled over when he heard me crying and tried to comfort me, but I was kind of inconsolable. The exhaustion is getting to me. And I don't understand how my office would expect me to be ready to come back to work after 6 weeks. It will be 5 weeks this Saturday and he is nowhere near sleeping through the night. Or even in long chunks. And I am not functional.
To top it off, I was so tired, frustrated, and upset that I yelled at Andrew. And half a second later I felt like the worst mom in the world. I love my baby more than anything and I would never ever do anything to harm him, but I'm just so tired.
J got up and soothed him at 5:30 after my meltdown and I actually got to sleep until 8:30, when he was wailing again. I fed him and we snuggled in bed for a while. We came downstairs and had some tummy time:
After that I decided that we needed some fresh air and rather than dealing with the stroller I figured we could try out the sling:
We walked for an hour and I felt a little better. Some fresh air and sunshine did wonders. When we got home I showered, fed him, pumped a little, and now he is napping in his swing and I am about to lay down to get a little nap in myself. Hopefully I can sleep for an hour before he wakes up. Mommy needs some rest.