Ok, it's time to talk about something that has been on my mind a lot lately. Actually, it's been on my mind pretty much since Andrew was about a month old and things were starting to settle down to normal life.
How do I find balance?
No - I'm not falling over or running into things. (Ok, I DO run into things, but that's because I am clumsy). I mean, how do I find balance in my life as a mom, a wife, and myself?
Don't get me wrong - I absolutely LOVE my role as a mom. I love spending all my time with Andrew. But that's part of the problem. I feel like I need to spend my free time with him because Monday through Friday I have limited time to be with him. He spends around 45 hours a week at daycare so Marc and Andrea get more time with him than us. I feel like it would be selfish of me to take away from my time with him to do something for myself. But then that isn't fair to me as a person, either.
Before Andrew was here I was able to go to the gym Monday through Thursday after work. I loved it because it was my "me" time and was a great stress reliever. Of course back then I was getting to work at 7:30 AM and was able to leave by 4:00 and had no problem getting in a great workout without feeling rushed. Now I am lucky to get to work by 8:00 (more often than not it's 8:15 or even later) so I'm not able to leave as early and if I need to pick Andrew up from daycare I need to be there by 5:30. So if I do make it to the gym I have to rush through a workout and it doesn't really relieve much stress.
On the days that J picks him up from daycare I can take longer at the gym, but I still feel a little rushed because I feel like I need to get home in time to be there for dinner with Andrew. Now that he isn't nursing as much I don't have to rush to get home to nurse him, but I still hate missing out on dinner and time with him.
Then I get jealous/resentful of the fact that on the days that I do pick him up J takes his time at the gym and normally isn't home until I have already gotten halfway through dinner with the munchkin. I guess I feel like I have rearranged my schedule to fit around Andrew while J has just fit Andrew into his already established routine. And maybe he is right. Maybe that is a healthy way to do it. Not that I think we should go about our normal lives and fit him in where we can - I mean, he is our baby and we love him more than life. But maybe, just maybe my entire life shouldn't revolve around him so completely.
I know I need to take time for myself away from Andrew and away from my mom role. In the long run it will be better for both of us because it will make me a better mom to him. I'm just having trouble striking that balance.
Any other moms out there feeling the same way? What do you do to keep your sense of self?
I feel you 100%.
ReplyDeleteI feel guilty even wanting to do something on the weekend that is baby-free. Yet The Mister has no problems making plans with the boys or going and doing his thing. I feel that since I work and I'm away from her so much M-F that the weekends need to be all about the baby. My husband always tells me to go do X and he'll watch the baby. I just can't personally relax enough because I don't feel right not being with her if I can be.
Exactly. My husband encourages me to go out and do stuff, but the mommy guilt always starts up when I do. This working mom stuff is tough :(
DeleteI think no matter what you will feel guilty. You just have to do your best, which you are! Also make sure to take care of yourself. Maybe start doing one good workout a week and then see how it goes from there.
ReplyDeleteI agree - the mommy guilt is a bitch. I find a little comfort looking back and seeing how much more "me" time I'm getting as Liam's getting older and Will can keep him alive for longer amounts of time. I think this first year is just the hardest and more balance will naturally come. you're definitely not alone in your feelings
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