Thursday, September 13, 2012

I Thought It Would Be Easier By Now

I remember the day after we came home from the hospital, sitting in the back room while my mom held Andrew. I was sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes saying how I didn't want to leave him.  How I never in a million years thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, but now that he was here it killed me to think of not being there for him.  Granted, I was one giant hormone bomb waiting to detonate, but still, I was a mess.

Fast forward 12 weeks to the first time I had to go back to the office.The entire day before I started back I was a teary mess. Every time I thought about him crying and me not being there to comfort him I broke down.  I remember sobbing my way through my shower that night.  I was able to make it out of the house with no tears that Monday, but I had a breakdown on the way out the door on Tuesday.  He was home with my mother-in-law, which made it a little easier, but I was still a bit of a mess.

Fast forward another month and a half to when he started at daycare.  The first day I took him in and got him settled my heart was in my throat. I couldn't stop thinking that he was in a strange place and he would be a meltdowny mess all day not knowing where he was or who he was with.  The tears welled up in my eyes a little as I pulled away in my car, but I kept it under control.  So I wasn't as much of a mess as the first time I had to leave him, but still a little bit.

Now here we are almost 14 months later.  Andrew loves daycare. He loves Andrea and Marc, he loves the other kids, and he has such a good time there. They constantly tell me how good he is, they send and post pictures and videos so I know he is having a good time and is happy.  I know he is well taken care of and is in a good environment.  But there are mornings like today when he starts crying as I walk away and my heart just breaks.  I know he's just going through a clingy stage and they assure me that a minute after I walk out the door he is fine, but it is still like a dagger to the heart.  To see his little scrunched up face, tears rolling down his cheeks as he crawls/toddles after me just kills me.  Even thinking about it right now is making me tear up.

I don't know. I just really thought it would be easier by now.  Then again I guess maybe it will never be easy to say goodbye.  I can't imagine the mess I am going to be when J and I take our first trip away from Andrew in December.  Maybe I should start stocking up on tissues now...

Really, who wouldn't want to hang out with this sweet kid all day?


  1. I doubt it ever gets easier but instead you just get used to it. I still can't do it, which is why I stay at home and am avoiding a "real" job by watching other children.

    1. There are so many days that I wish I was staying at home with him. Especially on Monday's after a great weekend together - it's so hard to hand him over after that.

      And taking care of someone's kids IS a real job in my book!

  2. For us, it comes in waves. Colin will have a good couple of weeks where he'll wave bye bye to me when I drop him off, and we both go about our business. But then he'll go through phases where he tears up as I walk toward the door. This morning was one of those times. It makes me hate going to work and leaving him there, but they assure me that within minutes of me leaving he's usually fine. Hugs, mama :)

    1. Yeah, this morning was a good day and he waved bye to me. Yesterday was not a good day and I had tears in my eyes as I walked to my car. Sigh.