Monday, May 20, 2013

This is Hard

Pregnancy.  It's not easy.  Physically... Emotionally...  Mentally...  It's tough.

I feel like the physical side is harder this go around than it was with Andrew.  I am so run down all the time.  It's not that I'm not sleeping well, but I'm just so exhausted.  I know it's because I don't get the down time that I got when I was pregnant with the munchkin.  Back then in the evenings I could veg on the couch after a rough day and get some extra rest.  Not possible with a 2 year old running around yelling "Mommy!  Mommy!" all the time.

He just. Doesn't. Stop.

I want to play with him - I do.  But sometimes I don't.  Sometimes I wish I could say "Go away, mommy is resting."  But I don't.  And wishing I could say that leads to the the emotionally hard part.  I'm wishing I could have some time to myself when there is only one kid to keep up with.  One kid who isn't as constantly needy as a newborn will be.  And even now I don't have that time.  Which means that in 3 or so months when there is a screaming crying newborn here I will have even less time (if that is even possible).

This has led to quite a few breakdowns over the last couple months.  Saturday was one of those.

J was off riding his bike and sent me a text saying I could meet them at Jay's house to hang out at the pool.  Which meant he expected me to get myself AND the munchkin ready and head out that way.  Great.  I had Andrew upstairs with me while I tried to find something to wear that didn't make me feel like a big fat cow.  Andrew was whining and I was crying because everything made me feel like a big fat cow.  I gave up and settled on something, then took him downstairs to get him ready, all the while swearing under my breath and cursing J.  The whole time I was getting Andrew ready he was yelling and whining.  I was trying to find shoes for him, and every pair I put on him he fussed and took them off.  I was so frustrated I threw the shoes across the room, yelled "Fine! Then don't wear shoes!" and walked out of the room to finish packing up our stuff.  Andrew of course had a shocked look on his face and started to cry.  So did I.  What is wrong with me? I just yelled at my two year old because he was fussing.  I suck.

Seriously? I yelled at this sweet kid?  Bring on the guilt...

I picked Andrew up and gave him a huge hug and apologized for getting upset.  I got everything in the car and headed to Jay's.  I had tears rolling down my cheeks for most of the 5 min drive.  When I pulled up J came out to help.  He saw how upset I was and told me he could have come home that we didn't have to come out there.  I told him I just needed him to be in charge of Andrew for a little while, that it was a rough morning and that I'm having a very hard time because I look so fat. He sweetly said I am not fat, that I am pregnant and I look fine.  While I sat with Andrew feeding him his hot dog lunch J went in and changed into his swim trunks.  When he came back out he came over, gave me a big hug and a sweet kiss and told me it's ok.  Then for the next hour he played with Andrew in the pool and kept him entertained so I could relax on a pool chaise and gather my thoughts.

The rest of the day was good.  When we got home we put Andrew down for a nap and then J and I also lounged on the couch and napped. It was heavenly - except for the fact that I fell asleep with my contacts in and had to peel them off my eyes when I woke up.

The rest of the weekend was good and there was no more crying from me.  I'm still an emotional mess, though, and it's starting to scare me.  I didn't have any postpartum depression or anxiety with Andrew, but my mental and emotional state right now is making me worry for what's to come after this baby gets here.  I guess on the plus side I am already aware of it so I'm hoping that I will recognize if there is an issue postpartum and can take the necessary steps to get help.

Yeah, pregnancy is hard.


  1. Deep breaths. Bad news is your patience will start wearing even thinner, you'll get even more tired, and you'll probably have even more breakdowns. Good news? You'll get through it. You can do it. Your body somehow just adjusts and your mind catches up.

    Honestly, I feared ppd this round because of the same feelings you described. Some days, I'm not sure if it was depression or just complete sheer exhaustion and an overwhelming feeling of not being able to do 900 jobs at once coupled with the fussiest baby on the planet. At least you know what to look for - whenever I was feeling shitty, we just got out of the house. Fresh air always does wonders. A little yoga by yourself, a dark'll make it :)

    1. I'm glad you commented on this. I figure if anyone can relate you would be one of the best! I'm pretty sure I will be all about getting out of the house for fresh air once this little guy is here. Now I just hope it's not a bazillion degrees when I'm on maternity leave!

  2. ((hugs)) I have those days and I'm not even pregnant. The things you are describing are definitely some of what make me hesitant (ok, who am I kidding...terrified) to have another.I know you don't feel it right now but you are gorgeous! And you are a wonderful mama. Hang in there!

    1. Thanks love. I have more good days than bad days, it's just that some of the bad days really suck. I'm trying to focus on all the good ones, though.

  3. Aaaw, I definitely have had my moments too. Mostly with people around me. It's like because it is my second baby I am a pro and don't need help or to feel doted on. I end up feeling like I am expected to have it all together all the time because I am a pro already. And who cares, I already did this before. It bothers me that others around me don't seem to recognize how special this time is regardless if it is two or three or whatever. So I feel you! I think two will have its challenges but just like with the first we will adjust. And sometimes a good cry does help!